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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27004615">Demons of the past resurfacing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noah_Emil/pseuds/Noah_Emil'>Noah_Emil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:08:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,790</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27004615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noah_Emil/pseuds/Noah_Emil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ is abducted by a misogynistic unsub. Can the BAU team get her back in time? And what does "in time" mean?This brings back past memories that she had been hiding for a long time. Trigger warnings for mentions of physical and sexual abuse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau &amp; Emily Prentiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/n: This is a fanfiction about JJ being abducted by a misogynistic unsub. Can the BAU team get her back in time? And what does "in time" mean?This brings back past memories that she had been hiding for a long time. <br/>I don't own Criminal Minds.<br/>Trigger warnings for mention of physical and sexual abuse. Nothing explicit in this chapter.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>JJ walked over to Hotch's office and knocked.<br/>"Come in", came the reply.</p><p><br/>"Hotch, we have a case", explained JJ.<br/>Ten minutes later the team was meeting in the conference room. JJ started presenting the case: "Three bodies were found in Columbia, Missouri. They were all dumped in parks near playgrounds. Victim number one is Jessica Parker, 34 years old, she was found two weeks ago. Her body showed signs of torture; cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head. Victim number two is Taylor Brennan, 37 years old, her body was found a week ago, it showed similar injuries, the same goes for victim number three: Emily Jones, 33 years old, she was found two days ago. The preliminary M.E. reports showed similar trauma and defensive wounds. Cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head with the same weapon, presumably a bat. In all cases the M.E found splinters of wood in the wounds. The victims were mothers of toddlers and presued rather successful careers." Gruesome pictures appeared on the screen.</p><p><br/>"The unsub obviously has a problem with women, the torture seems rather personal, so maybe the victims are surrogates for his partner or a family member like his mother", Morgan said.</p><p><br/>"Each of the victims were reported missing at least four days before the bodies were found. There haven't been any reports of kidnappings in the area, so either the unsub knew the victims or he tricked them", added Hotch, " there has also been another woman who was reported missing this morning, her name is Julia Smith, 31 years old, she never made it home last night to her husband and three year old child, so time is of the essence. We will further discuss this on the plane. Wheels up in twenty."</p><p>As soon as the jet took off, they reassembled around the table and started to debrief.<br/>"If the unsub sticks to his timing, then we have to find Julia in the next three to four days", Emily started," but it seems like he is escalating because his cooling off period is getting shorter."</p><p><br/>"Garcia, please check if there are any connections between the victims and run background checks on them. We have to figure out as to why the unsub chose these women and how he got the opportunity to abduct them." , said Hotch, "As soon as we land we're going to hit the ground running. Rossi and Prentiss, start with questioning the families of the victims. Reid, start by making a geographical profile. JJ, the press is all over this, if we have sufficient information by then, let's try to set up a press conference this afternoon. Morgan and I are going to connect with the detectives working this case."</p><p>They scattered around the plane to prepare for their tasks; ever since this morning JJ couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the victims and herself. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she had felt uneasy about this case ever since she had opened he case file.</p><p>As soon as they arrived at the station, JJ didn't have time to think about her personal feeling towards this case anymore, it seemed like everyone at the station was overwhelmed by the magnitude of this case and viewed the BAU as their savior.<br/>While dealing with the victims and their families was always the hardest part of their jobs, they dreaded those tasks even more when children were involved. Each of the victims left behind a spouse and a toddler, who were robbed of their loved one and mother. Speaking with the families is often what made Emily even more determined to find the Unsub and bring justice and closure to the ones left behind. The team quickly gained foothold and JJ was able to hold a press conference late in the afternoon.</p><p>According to the profile, the Unsub was a white male, between the ages of 25 and 35 years old. He probably lived by himself and had a simple job, lead an inconspicuous life. The public was advised to be cautious but not to panic.</p><p>When JJ stepped to the lectern, she immediately felt this unsettling feeling again. She felt like she was being watched. "Of course I'm being watched, it's a press conference after all", thought JJ. She could usually rely on her gut feeling but she thought of it as exaggerated and definitely wouldn't tell the team. She was happy with her position in the BAU as communication liaison but felt like she was often viewed as less tough and as not being able to defend herself. That was at least partially true; she didn't carry a gun. Usually she didn't feel the need to, but in moments like these she couldn't help but think that she would feel safer if she was more skilled in defense.</p><p>JJ and Hotch had talked about this a couple of times but Hotch didn't think that carrying a gun was necessary for her work with the press, the families and the victims.<br/>The team went back to the hotel after working until 10 pm; there wasn't anything that could be done at night.</p><p><br/>JJ and Emily as usually shared a room, Emily couldn't help but notice that JJ had been unusually quiet today: " Hey JJ, are you okay? You seem a little quiet."</p><p>JJ sighed: "Yes, I'm fine. I'm just tired...you know with this case I can't seem to stop thinking about Henry."</p><p><br/>"Why don't you call him. Maybe talking to him will help?"</p><p><br/>"Well, he's probably already in bed, I'll call him tomorrow. Will likes to stick to a strict bedtime routine and...", JJ seemed hesitant about finishing her sentence.</p><p><br/>"Everything alright between you and Will?", asked Emily with a worried expression.</p><p><br/>"It's getting late Em, let's not get into that, we have to be rested tomorrow", JJ said, avoiding Emily's gaze.</p><p><br/>"JJ, you don't have to talk to me but I don't think that you are talking to anyone about this. I'm worried because lately you seemed to be quite sad and distracted. I'm gonna let it go for now but please don't cut me out of this, you know that you can talk to me about anything."</p><p><br/>While Emily talked, JJ tried to hold back her tears: " Thanks for reminding me Em, I promise that I will tell you, but not tonight, I'm really exhausted right now."</p><p><br/>Seeing the unshed tears, Emily went over to hug her: "Ok, come on let's get into bed. I know that I'm not the best example, but it's okay to cry, you know?"<br/>" I don't know why I'm so emotional all of a sudden, I guess it's just the exhaustion. I'm gonna head for a shower first, okay?"<br/>"Yeah, sure."</p><p><br/>JJ felt a little relieved after this. She would confide to Emily eventually, she sometimes felt like she was dumping her problems onto Emily but hearing that she had seen what had been going on for some time now reminded her to not deal with everything by herself.<br/>The friendship between Emily and herself was strong, but there were quite a few demons of her past that non of the team members knew about.<br/>She liked to keep certain things separate and to not feel like her past was determining her present and future.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/n: Trigger warning for mentions of physical and sexual abuse </p><p>I don't own Criminal Minds</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The team met at 7 am the next morning and started to head to the police station, when Hotch's phone rang. One of the detectives had called to inform them that Julia Smith's body had been found at another park.<br/>"He really is escalating. It's only been 36 hours since her disappearance.", mentioned Reid.</p><p><br/>"Given that, the unsub is probably about to abduct his next victim if he hasn't already done so. Due to the pressure it is quite likely that he has made a mistake though, we can use that to our advantage.<br/>JJ, please ask Garcia to give you the victim's family's address and inform them about Julia's death. Emily, head over to the M.E.<br/>Rossi, explain our next steps to the detectives at the station. Reid, Morgan and I will go to the crime scene. We will meet back at the station in about three hours, hopefully we'll have more information by then.", Hotch said.</p><p>JJ always felt like they failed their victims if they hadn't been able to save them. After informing and subsequently questioning the Smith's, she had to clear her head before going back to the station. She considered calling Will to ask about Henry, but quickly dismissed the thought.<br/>He would be in day-care by now and Will didn't like being called at work if not absolutely necessary.<br/>He had said that he doesn't want to be embarrassed by her sentimental family stuff.<br/>She was so deep in thought that she didn't notice the figure coming up behind her and when she finally did, the blonde already felt a sharp scratch in her neck and everything went black....</p><p>An hour later, every team member except for JJ had arrived back at the station.<br/>"Has anyone seen JJ yet?", asked Emily worriedly.</p><p><br/>"No", replied Hotch, " I just tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail."<br/>"It shouldn't have taken her so long to inform and question the family. I'm gong to call Garcia.", said Emily grabbing her phone, " Hey Garcia, could you please track JJ's phone and car?"</p><p><br/>"Why, did something happen to her? What's going on? Is she hurt? Oh my god...", Garcia started rambling.</p><p><br/>"Garcia, calm down, we don't know what's going on. We haven't heard back from her since her questioning Julia's family.", Emily replied.</p><p><br/>"Ok, ok, her car hasn't moved, it's still at the Smith's house, but I can't track her phone, it must be turned off."</p><p><br/>"Can you please get me the Smith's phone number?", asked Hotch.<br/><br/>"Yes, I just sent it to your phone. Please tell me that she's ok as soon as you know something."<br/>"We will Garcia, thanks", Emily ended the call.</p><p><br/>"Yes, hello, this is SSA Hotchner from the BAU. Could you tell me if agent Jareau is still with you?"<br/>The team couldn't hear what was being said on the other end of the line, Hotch's stoic face as usually didn't give them any hints as to whether JJ was still with them, but then he said: "Okay, we will be at your house in twenty minutes. We currently don't know anything about agent Jareau's whereabouts and her car is still at your house, so we will have to speak with you again."</p><p><br/>Hotch ended the call. No words needed to be exchanged, they all headed to the cars. All of them knew, that JJ matched the unsub's victim type and it seemed to big of a coincidence that JJ's disappearance wasn't linked to the case.<br/>It was not at all like JJ to just disappear off the face of the earth without notifying anyone.</p><p>They found JJ's phone at the Smith's house, turned off on the bonnet of the car. None of the neighbours had seen anything and there was no evidence of a struggle.<br/>"Why was the phone on the bonnet of the car and why was it turned off?", asked Morgan.</p><p><br/>"It does seem like it was placed. I mean, why would he leave her phone if not to tell us something." Reid added, carefully turning the phone on with his gloved hand.<br/>As soon as he did, everyone's phone notified them of an incoming message.<br/>It said: "Now that I've got her I need nobody else, you won't find her unless I decide to kill her and you can't change that. I'm in control, how does that feel?"</p><p>Back at the station Hotch said with a stoic face - but those who knew him noticed that his tone was a little harsher than usually: "We will treat this like any other case. We will get him. Let's start from the beginning. What do we know about him, his behaviors, the newest developments? We won't stop until we've got her back."</p><p><br/>He couldn't or wouldn't even say her name out loud. It was obvious to the team that he felt immensely responsible for the abduction of the press liaison. On the one hand, due to him being the team leader and on the other hand because he had ordered JJ to go to the family by herself despite her matching the victimology. She also wasn't as trained in defense and wasn't carrying a weapon.</p><p>The other team members - sensing Hotch blaming himself - got to work immediately: "The M.E report for Julia confirms that the cause of death was consistent with the other victims; blunt force trauma to the head. It also showed similar bonding marks on her wrists and ankles and the same apparent physical torture that the other victims had to endure.</p><p><br/>The only difference is that the body also indicated that she was sexually assaulted...", Emily paused, " quite brutally I should add."</p><p><br/>Emily swallowed, her mind imagining JJ's body instead of Julia's. Rossi who was standing next to her, rubbed her shoulder and then asked: "Was there any DNA on the body?" </p><p>"Yes, there was and it's being analysed as we speak, however the traces were so small that it is very unlikely to get a result", Emily replied, trying to stop her imagination.</p><p><br/>"Both the torture and the message that he left for us, shows that this is somehow personal for him, it's also about dominance and making us feel helpless. He could be trying to replicate a situation, in which he was dominated by a woman and therefore felt helpless, likely child abuse by his mother or a different figure of authority." Reid said.</p><p><br/>Morgan added: "And his psychotic break was probably triggered by a woman who didn't follow his dominance, like a partner ending a relationship. It's likely that he has abused women in relationships before."</p><p><br/>Hotch called Garcia, put her on the loud speaker and asked her to cross reference the parameters with someone who has either been charged with or had allegations made against them for sexual assault.<br/>There were still too many men, who matched the criteria.</p><p><br/>"Okay, let's think about this for a second, how and why did he shift his focus to JJ? It must have been at the press conference, JJ is a person of authority, she works for the FBI and matches his type, but each of the victims also left a young child. That is too big of a coincidence. How did he figure out that first of all, each of the victims had a child and how did he know about Henry?", Emily asked.</p><p><br/>"The profile indicates, that his main trigger is dominance, he would work in a field where he is able to be a person of authority himself.<br/>So he may as well be in the executive branch, like the police force.<br/>That way he could easily obtain information from people without actually physically stalking them and that's also how he could know about JJ having a child. I mean I'm pretty sure that we have talked about Henry at some point while we were at the station.", Rossi concluded.</p><p><br/>"Garcia, please cross-reference..."<br/>"Already did", Garcia interrupted Hotch, "there is no one that matches the profile who is still on active duty, but there is an officer who was suspended from active duty due to sexual assault allegations in the field, he is on desk duty and his name is Craig Daniels. He also has a sealed juvenile record that I'm not able to access."</p><p><br/>"Garcia, when was he suspended and by whom?", Reid asked.</p><p><br/>"It was three weeks ago, his superior is Inspector Anna Reagan."</p><p><br/>"That must have been the trigger, Garcia can you..."</p><p><br/>"Yes boss man, I'm way ahead of you, he lives in his parent's house which is actually in a quite remote area and it has a large basement. I just sent the address to your phones. Please get my girl back."</p><p><br/>"We will Garcia", replied Hotch.</p><p>They geared up and informed the local detectives of their suspect. The car ride to the address was only twenty minutes long but it felt like the time had slowed down. They had already called an ambulance to meet them there. After all, JJ had been with the unsub for at least 13 hours, it was just past 10 pm and it was pitch-black outside.<br/>Emily hoped with every fiber of her being that they weren't too late, that Daniels hadn't harmed JJ too badly or had even killed her.<br/>Her mind wandered back to the images of the other victim's bodies and she began to shiver. She had to get a grip on herself, this wasn't helping JJ or anyone else.</p><p>When they had finally arrived at their destination, they approached the house with bulletproof vests and their weapons raised. They had no way of knowing whether Daniels was heavily armed.</p><p><br/>Their main goal was to get JJ out of harm's way as quickly as possible. They had gotten an emergency search warrant for the house and Daniels' phone indicated that he was in there.</p><p><br/>The team entered and cleared each room of the first and second floor, the basement was the only place left where the unsub and hopefully JJ could be.<br/>As soon as Morgan opened the door, shots coming from the basement headed their way, luckily only hitting the opposite wall. They couldn't risk returning fire as long as they didn't know JJ's location.</p><p><br/>However, Morgan had noticed a window that could be accessed from the backyard. Rossi and Reid hurried outside to get to the window. "I can see Daniels", Reid whispered through the radio, " JJ is about five feet to his left."</p><p><br/>"Do you have a shot?", Hotch asked sternly.</p><p><br/>"I could disarm him, I can't get a kill shot.", Rossi replied.</p><p><br/>"Take it.", ordered Hotch, the tension palpable in his voice.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: Please review and tell me what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Do you have a shot?", Hotch asked sternly.<br/>"I could disarm him, I can't get a kill shot.", Rossi replied.<br/>"Take it.", ordered Hotch, the tension palpable in his voice.</p><p><br/>++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++</p><p>As soon as Rossi had taken the shot, Morgan, Emily and Hotch hurried down the stairs.<br/>Morgan kicked Daniels' gun out of his reach and Hotch started handcuffing him.<br/>Rossi's shot had hit his left shoulder.</p><p><br/>Emily immediately went over to JJ, she was tied to a wooden beam by her hands and feet and her blouse was ripped open.<br/>Morgan and Hotch quickly took the assailant out of the basement; Reid and Rossi appeared at the top of the stairs but Emily said, looking at JJ: "Can you stay out of the basement for now and maybe send down some female paramedics?"</p><p><br/>"Of course", Rossi replied.</p><p>JJ looked utterly terrified and Emily wasn't sure whether she had been able to comprehend everything that had happened and therefore that Daniels was no longer a threat to her.</p><p><br/>"JJ?", Emily asked, kneeling in front of her friend, "it's me, Emily, you're save now. Is it okay if I untie your hands?" Relief flooded through the agent as she saw a look of recognition on her best friend's face and JJ gave her a tiny nod.</p><p><br/>While untying her hands and feet Emily saw that her face sported a couple of bruises and her wrists and ankles were rubbed raw.<br/>"JJ, can you tell me where your hurting the most?", Emily said, trying to assess how badly she had been hurt.</p><p><br/>"Em, I'm so sorry, I..."</p><p><br/>"JJ, you have nothing to be sorry for, you didn't do anything wrong. You're safe now, he can't hurt you anymore."<br/>But JJ just kept saying that she was sorry.<br/>Emily was wondering what she could possibly mean by that and the mental state of her fellow agent and friend worried her immensely.</p><p>When the paramedics came down the stairs, JJ tensed up but seemed more at ease, when she saw that they were two young females, probably around her age.<br/>When they wanted to assess her however, JJ refused to be touched and insisted on walking and not being carried out on a stretcher.</p><p><br/>"Would it be okay, if your friend here helped you to get to the ambulance?", the paramedic who had introduced herself as Sienna carefully asked, trying to make the traumatised woman feel more safe.</p><p><br/>When JJ hesitantly nodded, she said:" Okay, if you need to stop at any point, just say so."<br/>Emily realised that JJ was shivering, so she took off her FBI jacket and draped it over JJ's shoulders.</p><p>When they emerged from the basement after what appeared to be a painful climb of the stairs, JJ's gaze went to the floor as soon as she saw Reid and Rossi, who were cautiously looking at her.<br/>Emily shook her head slightly, to give them to understand that they shouldn't approach their colleague and friend right now.<br/>Once in the ambulance, between Emily and the paramedics, they were able to convince JJ to be hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor.<br/>She had become rather quiet was as starring into space.</p><p><br/>"JJ, I will stay by your side as long as you want me to. Do you want me to call Will?"</p><p><br/>When Emily mentioned Will, a look of panic appeared on the blonde's face. To be honest, Emily had already had a strong hunch that JJ didn't want to see her boyfriend right now, especially with what she had implied about their relationship yesterday evening.<br/>Was it only just yesterday that he two friends had talked about that? Emily wished that she could turn back time and save JJ from whatever she had gone through.<br/>She vowed to making her friend feel save and to help her get through this.</p><p><br/>"It's okay, we don't have to call him right now, he doesn't have to be here if you don't want him to.", Emily assured JJ, when they were arriving at the hospital, "Do you want me to stay with you?"<br/>JJ nodded.<br/>The brunette agent was relieved that it seemed like at least for the time being JJ hadn't shut her out and that she seemed willing to accept support from her.<br/>The stretcher was pushed into an exam room and JJ felt overwhelmed by the amount of people in the room; there were the two paramedics, two nurses and a doctor. The paramedics were about to leave however, and JJ noticed relieved that once again the treatment team was all female.</p><p>"Agent Jareau? Did you hear me?", the doctor asked.</p><p><br/>"Um, sorry. No, I guess I was ..." JJ trailed off.</p><p><br/>"That's alright, my name is Dr. Hailey Keppler" the doctor repeated, "could you tell me where you are hurt and maybe also a little about what happened?" The doctor had a calm and soothing, but also firm voice.</p><p><br/>"I, um..." JJ looked over to Emily, who was standing right next to her.</p><p><br/>"Dr. Keppler", Emily spoke up, knowing what her friend was non-verbally asking for, "would it be okay if I started explaining?"<br/>"Is that okay for you, Agent Jareau?", the doctor asked; JJ nodded again.</p><p><br/>"She was abducted by a suspect of our current case earlier this morning. When we found her just now, she was tied up in a basement.", Emily began," I don't know what happened during the time that he kept her."</p><p><br/>An uncomfortable silence filled the room. JJ knew that it was her turn to tell them what had happened to her but not only did she not know where to start or how to describe it but she also felt like she physically couldn't do it.<br/>She knew that Emily had tried to step in and help her by starting to explain the situation and she was grateful for that; but she felt helpless and like she was not in control.<br/>JJ hated not feeling in control. It brought back unwanted memories of times she wasn't keen on ever revisiting.<br/>She felt like she was stuck in herself and couldn't act unless someone gave her clear commands.</p><p>"Agent Jareau? Agent Jareau? Can you look at me?", JJ heard Dr. Keppler's voice through the fog of her own thoughts and emotions.<br/>Looking up, she saw that both Emily and the doctor were eying her cautiously with looks of worry.</p><p><br/>"I understand that this must be really difficult for you. Do you think it would be alright for you if I asked you some questions and started examining you?" Dr. Keppler asked more firmly but nonetheless with a certain softness and kindness.<br/>JJ nodded once again.<br/>"Okay, can you tell me today's date?"</p><p>"Um, I guess it's Thursday night or maybe early Friday morning. That would be the 10th or 11th of October."</p><p><br/>"Good, that's great. I'm going to use this light to check for your pupil reaction... okay, that's looking fine. You don't seem to have a concussion."</p><p><br/>The doctor was relieved that the earlier impaired consciousness didn't seem to stem from a head injury, but this indicated that it was probably due to her struggling with dissociation, which wasn't uncommon after being severely traumatised.<br/>She was going to have to find out what exactly had happened to the agent to cause this trauma appart from the obvious consequences of being abducted.</p><p>"I noticed that your breathing is a little shallow and erratic, are you in pain or is that due to your anxiety?"</p><p><br/>"Um...", JJ felt a flash of memories coming back but managed to not slip away and stay in the present moment, "I... I received some punshes and kicks to my abdomen and ribs so...", JJ trailed off, trying to stay in the present moment, to focus on being safe, being with Emily in this hospital room.</p><p><br/>"Okay, I'm going to have to open you blouse and take a look."<br/>When she did, Emily couldn't help but gasp at the sight.<br/>Her friend's torso was covered in already dark black and blue bruises in stark contrast to her pale skin.</p><p><br/>"I'm gong to touch you now, please tell me if it becomes too painful."<br/>Dr. Keppler started to palpate her abdomen and press on her ribs to feel for internal injuries and fractured ribs.<br/>JJ's face remained completely stoic, even though it was extremely painful.</p><p><br/>"Okay, from what I could feel, you have three broken and two fractured ribs, the bruises on you abdomen don't seem to be deep tissue bruising, but I'm going to order a CT scan to check for internal bleeding and and an x-ray for your ribs.<br/>Your oxygen saturation is a little lower that what I would like it to be, so I want to support your breathing with a nasal oxygen tube."</p><p>The doctor paused for a moment before asking her next question, wondering how the woman had been able to not react to her earlier examination.</p><p><br/>"Agent Jareau, on a scale from one to ten, can you tell me how much pain you are in at the moment? One being no pain and 10 the highest."<br/>JJ just felt numb. She could feel that her body was in pain but she didn't really feel connected to her body. "I don't know..."</p><p><br/>"JJ, please, you don't have to be tough right now, you deserve to get some pain relief...", Emily started.</p><p><br/>"It's not that", JJ interrupted her, "it's just that I feel really numb. Everything is really distant and surreal at the moment."</p><p><br/>"What you are feeling is not uncommon. You went through a traumatic event, both physically and mentally. I would suggest that I finish examing you and run the tests and then I would like to give you some pain medication and a light sedative to relief you from the pain and exertion.", Dr. Keppler suggested. JJ nodded.</p><p>It was becoming obvious to Emily, how out of it and exhausted JJ had to be in order to agree to staying in a hospital and be medicated.<br/>"Do you think you could tell us now what else has happened?", the doctor asked carefully, glad that she had managed to get her patient to communicate at least a little more than just nodding or a few words.</p><p><br/>"Um... I don't really know where to begin", JJ mumbled.</p><p><br/>"Do you remember being at the Smith's house", Emily intervened. JJ nodded.<br/>"Why don't you start by telling us what you remember after that.", Emily proposed.</p><p>"Yeah, I guess... I wanted to clear my head after having to inform the family of Julia's death, I walked down the street and I guess I was quite distracted.... I remember having an uneasy feeling and then I felt being pricked with a needle in my neck and... the next thing I remember is being in that basement, tied up..." Tears were streaming down her face but she didn't seem to notice, too consumed by her memories, her gaze starring into space again.</p><p><br/>She flinched, when Emily took her hand, but quickly<br/>realised that it was just Emily and squeezed back. Then she felt like she was stuck again, it was physically impossible to keep talking.</p><p><br/>Realising that, Dr. Keppler asked: "Would it be easier if I asked you some medically relevant questions? That way you wouldn't have to go through everything right now." JJ nodded.</p><p><br/>"Were you drugged apart from what you've just told us?"</p><p><br/>"I don't think so", JJ replied quietly, relieved that the doctor was asking her questions now.</p><p><br/>"Did he physically injure you in any other way than what you've told us?"<br/>"Um...", JJ's breathing quickened and she let go of Emily's hand.<br/>She started stimming with her hands, she felt like she was slipping away into her memories again.</p><p>Dr. Keppler had a strong hunch but felt reluctant about asking the woman in front of her.</p><p><br/>"Agent Jareau", she finally said as calmly and empathetically as possible when she realised that her patient wouldn't answer her previous question,<br/>"were you sexually assaulted?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: Please tell me what you think and also if you have any suggestions for how to continue</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Agent Jareau", she finally asked as calmly and empathetically as possible when she realised that her patient wouldn’t answer her previous question, "were you sexually assaulted?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was like seeing a dam break, JJ started panicking and hyperventilating. </p><p>"Agent Jareau?... Agent Jareau?... Can you try to take slow, deep breaths for me?", Dr. Keppler tried to get through to her with a calm but firm voice. But she had already slipped into flashbacks and wasn’t really aware of being in the hospital anymore. </p><p>"Her oxygen levels are dropping due to the hyperventilation, could you try to calm her down? Otherwise I will have to sedate her", the doctor told Emily. </p><p>"JJ? It’s Emily. You are save here. I know that it’s scary but you are not there anymore. Can you try to come back to me?", Emily started. She then took JJ’s hand and placed it against her chest,</p><p>"Can you feel my heart beating? Can you look at me?"</p><p>Finally, JJ looked up at her. </p><p>"There you go. Can you try to breathe with me?” </p><p>After a couple of minutes JJ’s breathing had returned to a somewhat normal rate and she seemed to be back in the present.</p><p>"Agent Jareau, do you remember what happened?", Dr. Keppler asked, being aware of the fact that panic attacks could sometimes cause amnesia.</p><p>"Yes, I’m sorry, I ..."</p><p>"You have nothing to apologise for. Agent, I’m very sorry for what has happened. I’m pretty sure that you know the procedure. I will ask a nurse to draw some blood and then you will be taken up for the CT- scans and the x-ray. Do you consent to an SAE-examination?"</p><p>JJ was grateful that Dr. Keppler was treating her as an agent and someone who knew what had to happen. Just nodded again. </p><p>"I’m here for you Jayje”, Emily promised. </p><p>While JJ was being taken for the scans, she quickly called Hotch who told her to take as much time as she needed and to stay with JJ. The team would visit her later if she was up to it. </p><p>Dr. Keppler came back with the test results about an hour later:" Luckily the scans do not show internal bleeding in your abdomen. Unfortunately, we can’t really do much about your broken ribs, they are stable for now but you have to take it easy and we will have to talk about pain management; otherwise you won’t be able to take deep enough breaths and we would risk an infection. Do you want to rest for a moment or do you want to keep going?"</p><p>JJ took a shuddering breath: "No, I want to get this over with as soon as possible."</p><p>"Would you like Agent Prentiss to stay with you?", Dr. Keppler asked, seeing that the two women shared a deeper connection than just being colleagues." </p><p>JJ looked over to Emily: " No, you don’t have to stay. I can handle it."</p><p>"Jayje, please don’t shut me out, I would really like to be here for you. I know that you are incredibly strong and that you could handle it, but you don’t have to do this alone", Emily tried to reassure her friend, who was starting to tear up again. </p><p>"Okay", she whispered, grateful that Emily knew her so well and had convinced her tonrely on their bond. </p><p>Meanwhile Dr. Keppler had prepared for the exam: "Okay, I’m going to explain every step before I do it. You are in control agent Jareau, if you need a break or if you want me to stop, just say so or tell your friend, I will stop immediately. Your job is to stay in the present moment, you are save and nothing is going to happen without your consent. Try to concentrate on your friend here."</p><p> </p><p>The exam was so much worse than JJ could have imagined. Apart from the physical pain and the humiliation she felt, she had to fight very hard to not flash back into memories not only from her recent abduction and assault but also from ones that she never wanted to be reminded of again. </p><p>By the end of it, she hardly realised Dr. Keppler telling her that she was finished. She was trying so hard not to break, but failed miserably. She couldn’t stem the overwhelming flood of tears, emotions and memories. </p><p>"It’s alright. You can let it out. You are so strong. I’m proud of you.", Emily kept whispering to her. Dr. Keppler had left the room for some time to leave the two women to themselves. She couldn’t stop her mind from imagining what her patient had gone through in the past hours. However, what truly shook her to the core was not the horrific incident that this woman had gone through, but that this was by no means an isolated event. In fact, she had already treated six women this week, who had experienced sexual violence. It made her want to give up sometimes. </p><p>When she almost bumped into another doctor, she tried to pull herself together. Yes, this was horrific, but she still had a responsibility for her patient and she couldn’t change anything by going down thought spirals. </p><p>JJ had calmed down after what felt like an eternity to Emily, they were now waiting for Dr. Keppler to return and give them the results. </p><p>When she did, she took a seat next to JJ’s bed. "Hi, I’m sorry that it took me so long. So your bloodwork looks fine; there are no signs of an infection, pregnancy is negative and whatever you were drugged with earlier has made its way out of your system. The SAE- results didn’t show any signs of STD’s. There was unfortunately a rather significant amount of bruising and tearing, it will heal by itself over time but it’s likely to be painful for at least a week and I would recommend a check-up with your regular gynaecologist in two weeks at the latest. </p><p>I know that this has to be a lot right now. Can you tell me in how much physical pain you are in right now?"</p><p>"Um, I guess it’s maybe at a six", JJ replied after carefully looking up to Emily, who’s gaze told her to be honest. </p><p>"Okay, I will give you something for the pain. Your oxygen saturation is still not where I would like it to be, so please keep the nasal tube on. I would like to wrap up your ankles and wrists so that an infection can be prevented."</p><p>After giving her the pain medication and wrapping her ankles and wrists, the doctor paused before asking: "Agent Jareau, I can’t even begin to imagine what you have gone through. I can see that agent Prentiss seems to be very close to you, however I still need to ask you how you are doing mentally. We can offer you great psychological support and it would be nothing to be ashamed of. Can you describe how you are feeling right now?"</p><p>JJ looked down at her hands. She appreciated the sincere offer but she couldn’t accept it without fearing that it would reveal too much and bring up demons from her past. </p><p>"I... I’m...", JJ looked over to Emily, clearly overwhelmed with the situation. Her breathing rate started quickening again, so Dr. Keppler intercepted: "Okay, agent Jareau, try to slow your breathing. You don’t have to say anything right now. This must be very overwhelming. Just know that the offer stands. I would really recommend that you take the sedative I talked about earlier."</p><p>To everyone’s surprise JJ replied:" No, I just want to get out of here." "JJ", Emily began.</p><p>"Agent Jareau, I will not discharge you now. Your body needs rest and you are still relying on the oxygen. I would also like to know how you are doing mentally, before you leave", the doctor stated clearly, " I would like to keep you under observation for at least twenty four hours."</p><p>JJ bit her lower lip to try to stop the tears from falling but it was no use." </p><p>"Okay", she finally said, avoiding everyone’s gaze. </p><p>Dr. Keppler injected the sedative into her IV line:" This will make you drowsy pretty quickly; if there is anything else that you need, please don’t hesitate to ask."</p><p>When the doctor had left, Emily checked her phone and saw that she had a missed call from Hotch. She looked over to JJ who was fiddling with her bandages. </p><p>"Hey, JJ, is it alright if I quickly leave to call back Hotch?"</p><p>"Yeah, sure, you should go back to the hotel Emily, you must be tired. I’m sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll be asleep soon, anyway.", JJ now sounded cold numb and detached, it was almost a bit harsh. </p><p>Emily didn’t know what to say; she was torn. On the one hand she knew that JJ pushed people away when she was in vulnerable situations, on the other hand she could understand someone’s desire to be alone for once. </p><p>"JJ, you are not bothering me at all, I just really want to be there for you right now, but I totally get it if you want to be by yourself for a bit, you just have to tell me."</p><p>"No, honestly, it’s fine. You can come back tomorrow", JJ replied not looking at her. </p><p>"JJ, I will not leave you alone right now. I’m going to go outside and talk to Hotch and if you want me to, then I will leave you be for half an hour.", Emily insisted almost exasperatedly.</p><p>"Fine", JJ snapped. </p><p>Emily felt bad for leaving her in this moment but she knew that staying would only cause more conflicts. She decided to step out of the hospital to call Hotch. He suggested that the team came by but Emily didn’t think that it was a good idea at the moment. Instead she asked if someone could get them JJ’s go-bag. When she hung up, she decided to take a short walk. </p><p>Thinking about her friend she couldn’t help but feel like JJ was hiding something from her. She felt like JJ had gone into full-blown defense mode and was therefore shutting her out. Once again she vowed to supporting her no matter how hard she might try to push her away and go through this on her own. It was time for JJ to finally let down those walls of hers that she always tried to keep up so fiercely. </p><p>Back inside, JJ was lost in her thoughts about how to possibly keep Emily and everyone else form finding out about her past. She couldn’t convince herself that they would support and love her no matter what. She was too afraid that they might judge her and look at her differently.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/n: Explicit trigger warning for a rather detailed description of sexual abuse. Please don't read if you are at risk for being triggered.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Emily came back, JJ had fallen asleep but to Emily she still looked incredibly tense and like she was in pain. Knowing that she had received painkillers earlier, she presumed that her friend’s face showed her mental anguish rather than physical pain. Emily tried to at least take a nap, she couldn’t even remember when she had last slept but her mind kept going and she couldn’t stop worrying about JJ.</p>
<p>Three hours later – Emily still hadn’t managed to sleep – she decided to step outside shortly to find something to read and to buy a coffee. When she returned after about ten minutes, she saw two nurses and Dr. Keppler rushing into JJ’s room. She quickly abandoned the magazine and her coffee and followed them.</p>
<p>Inside, JJ was cowering in the corner of the room rocking back forth, eyes firmly closed and mumbling desperate pleas of help. Her left hand was bleeding from what looked like the IV having been ripped out. Emily felt like she was paralysed and could only watch as the medical professionals failed at getting through to JJ and therefore sedated her again. JJ didn’t even seem to be aware of what was going on, even as a syringe was pushed into her upper arm. She went limp after about fifteen seconds and was placed back on her bed, the numerous tubes and instruments being reattached to her body.</p>
<p>The next thing Emily realised what that Dr. Keppler gently guided her outside and sat her down on a chair.</p>
<p>“What happened?”, she finally managed to blurt out. “I’m not quite sure. Physically, agent Jareau is doing as well as can be expected. She appears to have experienced an extreme flashback, I’m not certain as to what the trigger was; it may have also developed from a nightmare. It was necessary to give her a stronger sedative because we weren’t able to get her back to the present moment.”, Dr. Keppler sighed, not quite knowing how much to tell her patient’s colleague.</p>
<p>“I can see that you are not telling me everything there is.”, Emily said, profiling the doctor. Dr. Keppler seemed baffled at first, it usually wasn’t that easy to read her but remembering that she was talking to an FBI profiler and deciding that she needed her help in order to properly care for her patient, she explained:</p>
<p>“To be honest with you, I’m rather concerned about agent Jareau’s mental state. While it is not unusual to respond to a trauma with flashbacks, nightmares and dissociation, the severity of the response is closely linked to the person’s mental resilience. We usually only see that severely if they are at risk for having a weakened resilience; for example if the person has experienced trauma in their past especially in their childhood. It would be very beneficial for her treatment if you could disclose any details about that, there is nothing in her medical file.”</p>
<p>Emily didn’t know what to say, she felt like she was hit by a ton of bricks. She almost instantaneously denied that something had happened to JJ as a child but thinking about it, she realised that she hardly knew anything about her friend’s past. Emily knew that JJ had grown up in Pennsylvania and she was pretty sure that JJ had never talked about her father or having siblings.</p>
<p>“Honestly, I don’t really know much about her childhood or whether she has experienced trauma before. She hardly ever talks about her past. How probable do you think it is that a childhood trauma is the cause for her struggles?”</p>
<p>Dr. Keppler sighed again: “Ultimately, it is impossible to be certain without her telling us but judging from what I just saw and also what happened earlier, it is my assessment that it is highly likely. I would suggest that the both of us talk to her about it when she wakes up, which will probably be in two hours. It is possible that she might deny everything at first, especially if she has never processed it, so it’s crucial that you tell her how you feel about it and about her. People who are affected by trauma often experience feelings of shame and guilt.”</p>
<p>After talking to Dr. Keppler, Emily has gone back to JJ’s room. Her coffee was almost cold at this point. Watching her sleep she was deep in thought about everything that had been going on. Just fourth-eight hours ago both of them had woken up in the same hotel room and while Emily had thought that JJ had seemed unhappy lately, everything had still been relatively good, at least as far as Emily could have told. Even despite the sedation JJ’s sleep seemed restless, her facial expressions still very tense.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Where am I?”, was the first thing that JJ thought. She quickly realised that her Hans and feet were tied to a wooden beam and began to panic an tried to break free. She couldn’t remember how she had gotten here or even where she was. Had they been on a case? Looking around, she saw that she was in a basement; it was dark but there was a little bit of light shining through a crack under the door which was descending from the stairs. Also, the left side of her neck was sore and suddenly her memories came back like a flash: She had been about to go back to the station from informing the loved ones of their latest victim, Julia Smith, when she had felt a sharp scratch in her neck and she lost consciousness. Recalling their unsub’s victimology, JJ realised that it wasn’t likely that her abduction was coincidental. Suddenly the door opened and a man walked down the stairs. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She didn’t recognise him but he obviously knew who she was: </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Jennifer. So nice to see your gorgeous blue eyes.” “Who are you and what do you want from me?”, JJ asked, trying to keep her worry out of her voice. The unsub started laughing maliciously: “Oh, I know that you are smarter than that. You know exactly what I did to the others. You know what to expect. I’m gonna have a lot of fun with you.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> He untied her feet and JJ tried to kick him and struggle as much as possible to keep him from raping her. JJ knew that she had to do everything in her power to stop him; she never wanted to experience that ever again. “Ah, feisty one, aren’t we.”, Daniels said when he had recovered from being kicked in the crotch, “Okay, if you want to play naughty, I’m going to have to make you a little more compliant.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He went over to a table and drew up another syringe. JJ started to panic: “No, please don’t…”. “It’s either this or I will kill you right now, it’s your choice.”, Daniels replied, smirking at the agent’s dilemma. Knowing how unspeakably horrendous being raped fells like, JJ almost wanted to tell him to murder her right now, but then she thought about Henry and felt guilty about thinking like that. She definitely didn’t want her child to grow up without its mother. She had to fight, even if it meant going through her own personal hell once again after all these years. The drug became effective almost immediately, she was still able to move but only very slowly. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>When he began undressing her and roughly touching her inappropriately, she tried to distract herself not only from the present moment but also from her dark memories, she desperately tried to picture Henry, but it all became too much. The groping became painful and his hands seemed to be everywhere at the same time. When he started to penetrate her, she suddenly felt like she was floating …. And then it hit her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She would never be able to forget this pungent smell, his perfume, a mix of coriander and citrus. She was six years old again and laying on the bed in her childhood bedroom. Her entire body was paralysed and the only thing her mind could focus on was the stuffed animal that was sitting on her nightstand. It was a white pony that looked just like a miniature version of the one her friend Olivia had. She had recently been allowed to ride on it for the first time and she imagined sitting on this pony right now, riding far, far away, so fast that no one could stop her, while her father did what had almost become a perverted ritual.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: Please tell me what you think and also I would appreciate ideas about how to continue this.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/n: Sorry for the long wait, I hope you enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"...JJ JJ... can you hear me? It’s Emily, you are safe here. He can’t hurt you anymore." , this very familiar voice carried through to her and she slowly realised that she was not a six year old anymore and she remembered Daniels and being in the hospital. Opening her eyes she saw a very concerned Emily standing beside her bed, who seemed a little relieved now that she had woken up.</p><p>"It looked like you were having a nightmare, so I tried to wake you up.", Emily explained.</p><p>JJ nodded and an awkward silence emerged between the two friends. When they had last spoken, JJ had snapped at at Emily. She felt very guilty because she knew that Emily just wanted to help her by being there but JJ had decided a long time ago to never tell anyone in her current life about her past. It was the only way that JJ was able to forget about it most of the time.<br/>Well, thinking about it she had to admit that she had suppressed her past rather than forgotten about it and every now and again it popped up into her life one way or another; all of her relationship problems could be traced back to her pushing people away when she was vulnerable or reminded of anything.<br/>She had mastered the art of hiding it when being triggered by something but it was significantly harder when spending a lot of time with others, like her boyfriend or her colleagues, when they were working and traveling together for multiple days at a time.</p><p><br/>Maybe it was time to change something about that, living like that was exhausting, but JJ feared everyone’s reaction, their disappointment and frankly, she didn’t think that she was strong enough to handle it. It was too painful, she had fought hard to mentally and physically get to a place where she could be a functioning adult and she wouldn’t let an idiot like Daniels destroy the life she had build herself.</p><p>Emily didn’t know what to say, she wasn’t sure if JJ was still mad at her or what she needed right now. Dr, Keppler had said that she wanted both of them to talk to JJ and had stressed the importance of supporting her. However, all Emily felt was inadequate at being what JJ needed right now. She didn’t know whether calling Will was a good idea, her gut told her that JJ didn’t want him, so she decided to push back on that thought for now. Emily just wanted an instruction manual for how to handle this, how to get back control over the situation but there wasn’t any kind of protocol. "This is probably just a tiny fraction of what JJ must feel like right now", thought Emily, when Dr. Keppler came in, taking both women’s mind their thoughts:</p><p><br/>"Agent Jareau, it’s good to see you awake. I don’t know if you have any recollection of this but about three hours ago you experienced a flashback and we had to sedate you again."</p><p><br/>"No, I don’t remember.", JJ mumbled, lowering her gaze.</p><p><br/>Dr. Keppler paused for a moment and threw a glance over to Emily before grabbing a stool and sitting down:<br/>"Okay, I’m going to be honest with you right now. I’m very worried about you. Your reactions to this traumatic event have been very strong, which leads me to the conclusion that you have suffered from some form of post traumatic stress prior to this and you were retraumatised by the event. I know that this is very scary right now, especially if you’ve never talked to anyone about this, but we can offer you help and support. You’re not alone in this."</p><p><br/>Silent tears ran down JJ’s face, still fiddling with the bandages on her wrists.<br/>"Hey Jayje", Emily jumped in, "whatever happened, I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere. There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing that you can say or do that will make me leave you. I love you."</p><p><br/>Sobs wracked JJ’s body and she wasn’t able to hold them back anymore. Emily’s words had hit the nail on the head. Emily carefully sat on the bed, engulfing her in a hug and rubbing her back. <br/>When the sobs had died down to sniffles after about twenty minutes, JJ pulled back, surprised and a little embarrassed when she saw that Dr. Keppler was still sitting there:</p><p>"I’m sorry", she began, only to be interrupted by her: "You have nothing to be sorry for... You don’t have to go into any detail right now but do you think you could share a little bit about what you're thoughts are right now?"</p><p><br/>Emily had gone back to sit on her chair but was still holding on to JJ’s hand, hinging her an encouraging squeeze. JJ sighed, Emily’s words having changed something in her and even though she was terrified, she said: "I have never really told anyone about this... I don’t really know where to start."</p><p><br/>"How about you tell us what you’re thinking and feeling right now?", Dr. Keppler proposed.</p><p><br/>JJ nodded: "To be honest, I’m terrified; I have always worked so hard to keep this a secret, no one could know about it. I feel like it’s my fault and I’m so ashamed and scared that people might look at me differently."</p><p><br/>"You know, it’s never the survivor’s fault. Whatever happened to you it could never and will never be your fault. Unfortunately, guilt and shame are very common feelings for people who have experienced trauma.", Dr. Keppler said with a warmth in her voice that made everyone tear up, but then, entirely unexpected for the doctor, Emily and JJ looked at each other and started laughing. Dr. Keppler looked back and forth between the two, obviously confused.</p><p>When they had stopped laughing, Emily cleared her throat and said: "Sorry, it’s just that JJ works with victims of various crimes on a daily basis and you sounded just like her."</p><p><br/>"Well then you know it to be true, but I know that it’s harder to see when you are affected yourself.", she added.</p><p><br/>" Yeah, I guess that’s true... You know, there are a lot of things about my past that you don’t know about and I’m sorry that I’ve never told you before.", JJ said towards Emily.</p><p><br/>"It’s okay. I know that this can’t be easy. You don’t have to tell us everything right now or even ever but I’m here to listen if you want me to. Do you think you could tell us what this nightmare was about that I woke you up from earlier?", Emily suggested, trying to take the pressure off of JJ.</p><p><br/>"Yeah, um, I guess... so I was having a nightmare about Daniels and how he... what he did to me.", JJ paused for a moment, taking a deep breath but she quickly stopped when her body reminded her of the broken ribs, wincing as a result of it.</p><p>Picking up on that, Dr. Keppler asked: "The pain medication from earlier has worn off. How much pain are you in right now?"</p><p><br/>"No, it’s fine, I don’t want to be drugged up again.", JJ replied quickly with a little panic evident in her voice.</p><p><br/>"Agent, pain management is very important..."</p><p><br/>"Dr. Keppler", Emily interrupted her, seeing JJ’s panic, "I think we need to have this conversation first." Realizing that her patient’s friend obviously thought that there was more to it, she nodded and looked over to JJ encouragingly: " So... I basically relived everything from the touches and the pain and I couldn’t stop him because I couldn’t move I... I ..."</p><p><br/>"It’s okay JJ, you’re safe. Take your time.", Emily soothed her.</p><p><br/>"You don’t have to justify that, it’s part of our body’s response to danger, it either goes into flight-fight or into freeze mode to protect us.", Dr. Keppler explained.</p><p><br/>"No, I know but I tried fighting and then he injected me with some kind of drug which caused me to be hardly able to move... and that is what triggered some other memories...", Emily squeezed her hand again , letting her know that she was here but not wanting to interrupt her", it began the day after I had started school. I was six years old and my father sat me down and told me that I had become so big that he would show me something very special. I was so excited. And he took me to my bedroom and... that was the first time that...", JJ had started crying again and breathed heavily, "that he sexually assaulted me."</p><p><br/>Emily sat on the bed and hugged her again.<br/>"I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry", Emily whispered over and over again like a mantra.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: Please tell me what you think and if you have any ideas as to where you want this story to go, please leave a review. Constructive criticism is always appreciated:)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dr. Keppler decided that she would check on her patient again, later. She was relieved that they had managed to get Agent Jareau to open up. What the father had done was beyond her capacity to understand but she knew that admitting that it had happened to oneself and to others was a huge step in the right direction. She was confident that with the right help, she would eventually be okay. Not that she would ever be able to get over it or forget it, no this trauma would always be part of her, but it is possible to learn to live with it and then it will become easier eventually.</p><p><br/>Back in the room JJ asked Emily who was wiping away her own tears: "What are you thinking right now?"</p><p>Emily sighed: "I’m so proud of you for telling me."</p><p><br/>JJ looked up to the ceiling at breathed out: "You know, there is more..."</p><p><br/>"Okay... Jayje I don’t want you to feel obligated to tell me right now but I understand if you want to get it out."</p><p>"I know, but I want to tell you."</p><p><br/>"That’s okay, thank you for trusting me."</p><p>"So... it wasn’t just a one time thing, he did it pretty regularly, maybe about once a week. And I knew that it was wrong but I didn’t know how to verbalize it at the time..."</p><p><br/>"That’s understandable, I mean a child is supposed to be able to trust their parent."</p><p><br/>"Yeah, I... did you know that I had a sister?"</p><p><br/>"No, I didn’t."</p><p><br/>"Rosaline, she was six years older than me and she was my idol", JJ smiled sadly while remembering, " I never knew that he was doing the same thing to her and she told our mother but she wouldn’t believe her; she and everyone else refused to see him as anything other than the perfect, loving, white picket fence father. When Ros asked me whether he was hurting me, too, I couldn’t tell her because I thought that she would blame herself for it, so I pretended to be fine, but one day when she was seventeen and I was eleven, she caught him one night and the next day...", JJ was crying at this point, Emily didn’t want to interrupt her so she silently reassured her by rubbing her hand,<br/>"the next day she came into my room and gave me her favourite necklace and told me that she loved me. In the following night I went to the bathroom and she was laying in the bathtub and she had killed herself... If I had said something to my mother or a teacher or even just to Rosaline, maybe she would still be alive."</p><p><br/>"JJ, it’s not your fault. It’s only on your father. You were just a child and you couldn’t have known. You did what you thought was best for your sister and I’m so sorry that she was in so much pain that she couldn’t keep going."</p><p><br/>"My sister wrote a farewell letter to my mom and she finally believed her that he did these things and we left him. My sister sacrificed her life to keep me safe."</p><p><br/>"I’m so sorry Jayje", Emily said not really knowing what else to do, "it must have been horrible to carry that with you all this time... I don’t really know what you need right now, but I’m here. You just have to ask."</p><p><br/>"Thanks, I just want to get out of here and go home.", JJ said, trying to brush it off.</p><p><br/>"About that, is everything okay with Will?", Emily decided to breach the subject.</p><p><br/>JJ sighed: "It has not been easy lately. We disagree about everything and argue most of the time that we actually do see each other. He...he said that if I don’t change anything, he will leave. He doesn’t like my working hours and says that I’m not a good mother to Henry..."</p><p><br/>Emily was overwhelmed with frustration and sadness, couldn’t this woman catch a break? As if recovering from sexual violence wasn’t enough, it was also her unprocessed childhood trauma that she had literally just told someone about and now the strained relationship and the lack of support from her partner. She hoped that nothing else was going on with Will but decided to not ask JJ about that right now.</p><p><br/>"JJ, you know that you and Henry are welcome at my place at any time, there is no limit, you could stay as long as you like, I don’t know if this is what you want or if it is even an option for you, but maybe a bit of distance from Will is what you need right now, especially with everything else going on.", Emily proposed.</p><p><br/>"I don’t know Emily", JJ replied carefully, even though one side of her completely agreed with Emily and just wanted to feel save for once and wanted to let go, "he’s still the father of my child and it always takes two people, I haven’t put much effort into our relationship recently."</p><p><br/>"I’m not forcing you, it’s just an offer, but you should think about yourself for a minute, do you think that Will can support you right now? Because Jayje, I’m worried about you and recovering physically and mentally will take some time and whether you like it or not, you will need help.", Emily hoped that she didn’t push her friend too much, but the recovery was going to be very hard, even without having to deal with Will. She just wanted her to know that there were other options.</p><p><br/>"I... I just don’t know, I...", JJ started getting restless, "I just need to get out of here. Can you try to find Dr. Keppler and ask her about it?", she answered exasperatedly.</p><p><br/>"Hey, Jayje, it’s going to be okay", Emily said, trying to calm her down by rubbing her arm, "you don’t have to decide anything yet, and while I get Dr. Keppler, why don’t you try to rest a little more, I can see that your ribs are bothering you, even though you’re trying to hide it from me.", Emily smirked, trying to bring a little light to the situation.<br/>"Stop analysing me", JJ replied equally playful, much to the other agent’s relief.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>JJ’s thoughts were circling around Will and everything Emily had just mentioned. On the one hand she wanted nothing more than to hug Henry and forget about everything. But that meant also dealing with Will. She didn’t want to face him at this point, let alone explain to him what had happened. He also didn’t know about her childhood and ever since the nightmare and subsequently talking about it, it seemed ever-present -not in the back of her mind how it had always been- but rather being consciously aware of everything again. As soon as she let her mind wander, memories in form of pictures, sounds, smells and feelings came up again. </p><p>She knew from her work that she had just been majorly triggered and her childhood screamed unprocessed trauma. It would be incredibly exhausting to not only hide that from her boyfriend but also face his reaction to her being injured, this -JJ was sure of it- would spark yet another fight about her job and her ability of motherhood. She knew that she didn’t have the energy to deal with that at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>On the other hand, there was Emily’s offer of Henry and herself staying with her. Even just thinking about it caused feelings of relieve and safety, but she didn’t want to burden Emily not only with herself but also her two year old toddler. Surely Emily had better things to do in her leisure time, maybe going on a date or something.</p><p> </p><p>Coming to think of that, they had never really talked about her romantic life which seemed odd, considering that they had been out for drinks countless times and spoken about almost everyone’s dating life on the team, except for Emily’s. Did the others know something that she didn’t? Even Garcia had never asked her about it, which seemed very out of character for the extroverted, bubbly woman. While JJ got lost in thoughts about Emily, she and the doctor returned, startling JJ slightly.</p><p><br/>"Hello agent Jareau, so I heard that you want to get out of here?”</p><p><br/>"Yes, I just want to go home”, JJ said.</p><p><br/>“I would like to examine you once more, but right now I think that there is nothing much that we can do for your physical injuries. If you feel like you need any kind of support from our psychological team, you need to stay here.”, Dr. Keppler explained with a firm voice, knowing that her patient might not take the psychological repercussions seriously enough, “therefore I need to ask you a few questions after I examine you.”</p><p><br/>The exam showed that everything was healing as well as could be expected; the bruises would fade and her ribs would heal if she adhered to taking it easy.</p><p><br/>“So I would strongly recommend that you stay with someone for at least the next couple of days and you need to take your pain medication. Now to those other questions: Are you currently or have you currently had any thoughts or plans or hurt yourself?”</p><p>Emily was a little shocked and taken aback when she heard those words, surely they were a little blunt. But then she remembered what JJ had told her about her sister and figured that it was not unreasonable.</p><p>JJ though seemed to have expected this question and answered calmly: "No. I battled depression as a teen but I would never...", she looked over to Emily who gave her a nod knowingly, "um... I had an older sister who committed suicide when I was eleven, so I know the pain that it causes others...”, JJ trailed off.</p><p><br/>“Okay, I’m sorry to hear that, just know that you can reach out in an emergency, having suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean that you have to act upon them, it is possible to get help. I would also suggest that you should talk to a psychotherapist to try to talk about everything. I can see that you have people in your life who support you, but you need professional help in addition to that."</p><p><br/>"I know, thank you, I need to be cleared by a bureau psychologist anyways, but I planned on getting into therapy."</p><p><br/>“Okay, I’m glad to hear that. I’m going to get your discharge papers ready and then I’ll be back.”</p><p>“Thank you.”, JJ replied, genuinely grateful for how the doctor had handled everything and helped her. Just as Emily was about to approach the subject of Will again, her phone rang:</p><p><br/>“It’s Hotch”, she said before picking it up. In spite of JJ’s expectations that Hotch would be calling to ask about her, Emily looked shocked about whatever Hotch was telling her; when she hung up JJ immediately asked: “What happened?”</p><p>Emily sighed before answering: “Someone from the local PD spoke to the press without checking with us and talked about your abduction, Hotch said that it’s all over the news, your name isn’t mentioned but you are referenced to as our media liaison.”</p><p>“Shit, Will is going to know.”, JJ spoke fearfully and as if on cue her phone rang, which was laying on the bedside table, the caller ID revealed it to be her boyfriend. Before Emily could say anything else, JJ had already answered. She couldn’t make out what Will said, but she heard his raised voice and angry tone. JJ’s face crumbled at whatever he was telling her, she tried to say something a couple of times, but it was no use, his rage infested tirade continued without her having the chance to speak; he was also the one to hang up on her.</p><p><br/>When JJ lowered her phone Emily asked gently: “What did he say Jayje?” ...</p><p><br/>When Dr. Keppler returned about an hour later, JJ was exhausted and more than ready to finally get out of this town. They had decided that JJ would stay with Emily for now after Will had basically broken up with her over the phone. He had told her that he was tired of her always trying to be the hero of every story and then demanding sympathy and pity while she should care for her family. </p><p>While this outburst had shocked the agent, there was a part of her that was relieved that she didn’t have to deal with him right now but that she was able to be in the safety of Emily’s company with Henry; Will’s slightly sexist and rusty idea of women luckily led to the advantage that he thought of the responsibility of caring for children on the woman’s side. </p><p>Still, JJ felt like an emotional vacuum at this point, she was exhausted both physically and mentally.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey, I’d appreciate any ideas about how to continue this story. I’ve got a few things in mind but would love to hear your input.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the time they finished the discharge, it was already well past noon. </p><p>The flight back had already been arranged, so when Morgan picked up the women from the hospital, they were headed straight to the airport. JJ absently stared out the window during the twenty minute car ride. Her thoughts were all over the place, so much had happened in the past days, it was too much for any human being to process. While she at times had felt like she was drowning in her emotions, she now just felt nothing at all. Though nothing may not be the right term; she felt a big eternal void that didn’t seem to start or end anywhere, it was engulfing her, she felt empty, detached, numb, paralysed.</p><p>This posed as a stark contrast to her racing thoughts, they were filled with worry, insecurities and uncertainties, but she didn’t feel any of that. She was separated from her emotions.</p><p><br/>Emily realised that her friend was lost in her own world but decided to let her be for the time being. The flight was spend much the same, to JJ it was all a blur. She saw herself briefly interacting with the other team members, it was like being on auto-pilot and watching yourself from the outside. Emily thought that it would be counterproductive to try to talk to JJ when she was surrounded by the team, her initial hopes that she would sleep also didn’t come true. To be honest, Emily was extremely exhausted herself, she hadn’t slept at the hospital and while she was glad that JJ had agreed to staying with her, she also felt extremely inadequate. She didn’t know how to help JJ, what to do or what to say. She was scared of not being able to give her firmed what she needed.</p><p><br/>Hotch observed his two female agents discretely, they both seemed absent-minded; he had been busy with wrapping up the case, therefore this was the first time that he was able to focus on them. He figured that there was something else going on apart from what Daniels had done to JJ; Emily had informed him about the fact that JJ would be staying with her and her expression had told him not to ask questions right now.</p><p>While he was obviously worried for his media liaison, partly because he felt a certain responsibility for sending her to the family by herself, his worry now extended to Emily: she looked exhausted and overwhelmed. He realised that she had taken everything on herself and would probably continue to do so as JJ was staying with her. Hitch got up from his seat and walked over to sit across from Emily. When she looked up, he said: “Hey, how are you doing?”</p><p><br/>She put on a fake smile that didn’t reach her eyes and answered: “I’m good, I mean I’m worried about her but...”, she stopped when she saw Hotch’s expression that clearly said ‘come on, who are you kidding’. <br/>“Emily, I know that you think that you have to be strong for her and keep going, but you can’t handle everything by yourself.” Emily looked like she wanted to intervene, but Hotch continued: “Look, I don’t know what happened but there is clearly more to it. I’m not asking you to tell me anything right now, but you need to trust the team. I get that she is most comfortable with you at the moment but you can’t help her if you burn out trying to do so. Accept help, both from us and professionals, too.”</p><p>Emily looked at the ground and was silent for a few moments but then she just said: “Thanks, Hotch. I needed this.”</p><p>Getting up, he just replied: “I know.”</p><p><br/>When they landed, Emily took both of their go-bags and guided JJ over to her car. Neither of them felt like talking, there was nothing appropriate that could be said at this point. They were heading to JJ’s place to get Henry and pack a few essentials for both of them; Will would be staying with a friend over the weekend and had therefore called a babysitter to watch Henry until JJ got there. As it was already evening, Henry fell asleep on the way to Emily’s flat. <br/><br/>While JJ set up her son in the guest bedroom, Emily decided to prepare some food; she wasn’t hungry and she couldn’t imagine that JJ was but it was necessary. JJ went into the kitchen when Emily had already prepared sandwiches for them. </p><p>Eyeing the food, JJ said hesitantly: “Thanks Em, but I’m not really hungry and”</p><p>“Neither am I but we need some food”, she interrupted her. JJ nodded and sat down, they were quietly taking small bites of the sandwiches, both forcing down the food rather than eating it. Emily tried to come up with an innocuous topic for some small talk to break the suffocating silence that surrounded them at this point. She couldn’t find one though and had almost wanted to ask about Henry but she didn’t want to remind her of Will. It was like walking on eggshells.</p><p><br/>Emily realised that she had stopped eating and when she looked up, she saw that JJ had abandoned her sandwich and was clutching her hands around the glass. JJ must have felt Emily’s gaze and suddenly, when their eyes met, JJ couldn’t hold back the sobs, which painfully pierced through the silence.</p><p>Emily instinctively got up and wrapped her arms around her friend initially whispering words of assurances. They ended up as a bundle on the floor, Emily simply holding JJ, completely at a loss about how to help her. And finally Emily let go as well, crying with JJ, literally feeling her pain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: Please tell me what you think, thank you for reading. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/n: Sorry for the long wait. Trigger warning for mention of suicidal thoughts.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Initially JJ was sleeping in the guest bedroom and Emily had gone to her own bedroom, not wanting to smother her friend; also she wasn’t sure if JJ could handle or want close contact right now. They were close friends but they wouldn’t usually sleep in the same bed except for the occasional accidental sleepover on a couch. Emily wouldn’t mind though, especially if it helped JJ but decided that she would have to be the one initiating anything like that as Emily didn’t know her boundaries at the moment. </p><p>Laying alone in her bedroom, a strange silence was engulfing her, Emily’s thoughts were racing but she was so exhausted that she succumbed to unconsciousness within minutes. </p><p>JJ on the other hand couldn’t stop watching Henry sleep because she feared that if she closed her eyes, she would be back with Daniels and never see her son again. She felt numb, everything was too much to comprehend and surreal: Two days again, her life could have been described as fairly normal and ordered.</p><p>She had been travelling to Missouri while her partner had cared for their toddler. It had not quite  been a picturesque life but honestly, who really had that.<br/>
But then, her entire world crumbled; not only that she had been abducted by a serial rapist and murderer, this had triggered a chain reaction of Emily finding out about he childhood and then Will...</p><p>However, if she was being honest, it wasn’t that her secret past or the relationship issues with Will hadn’t been there before, they had just been hidden from everyone except herself.<br/>
So really it was like several old but nevertheless unhealed wounds were suddenly ripped open again, for everyone else to see, all at the same time. </p><p>And she was in this place now, bleeding and unsure about how to go from here.<br/>
She had never been able to understand how anyone could actually seriously consider to just give up. JJ had never comprehended the state of mind and the thoughts that Rosaline must have had. It wasn’t  like she had never faced any difficulties in her life, quite the opposite actually, but it seemed like until now she had always had that inexplicable drive of the will to live. </p><p>Now though... it was like suddenly being aware of how unstable the ground under her feet actually was, while it had seemed pretty solid before. </p><p>Coming to think of it, the striking difference between the past and the present was that she had always dealt or rather not dealt with her past traumas by ignoring it, pushing it down sufficient enough to convince everyone around her and sometimes even herself that it had never happened. </p><p>And whenever that tactic failed her, she just abandoned her old life and stated anew, somewhere where no one knew her and more importantly the baggage she dragged around with her, so that she could invent herself again, if she just remembered to keep her guards up high for no one to get past these walls that somewhat felt like an existential past of herself by now. Running away was a way to make ignoring and pushing away work again, like fleeing from the crumbling floor, leaving the war zone behind, the only problem being the memories and the war in her head. </p><p>And now, everything was different. Not only did Emily know about her past, but hiding the ordeal with Daniels from her co-workers was impossible, even just for bureaucratic reasons. </p><p>Her previous, familiar patterns would not work this time and running wasn’t an option, she simply didn’t have the strength to even imagine leaving everyone at the BAU behind, no matter how desirable a fresh start sounded, this had been the first time in her life she had felt like she could settle and start to build trust with a chosen family. </p><p>Even though she couldn’t picture herself ever recovering from this, she had a feeling that she didn’t even have the slightest chance without the BAU and especially without Emily. And she had a responsibility for someone apart from herself, she had to be strong for Henry, that’s what people always said, right? That they had to keep going for their children, even if it seemed impossible. </p><p>JJ realised that she was standing at a crossroad: deciding to fight or giving into the desire to just stop.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: I’m sorry that this was so short and im not sure if anyone is still following this story. I don’t know how or if to keep going with it. I’m motivated and I planned to focus on JJ’s mental health struggles and her relationship with Emily, wherever that may end up :)</p><p>Especially the topic of suicidal ideation is something I personally struggle with, so it’s definitely harder to write about, but I think that it’s both vital to the story and in general.</p><p>If you have any further suggestions or want me to keep going with this, I’d really appreciate a review. <br/>Thanks for reading and have a nice day :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Despite her racing thoughts JJ must have fallen asleep at some point because when Emily carefully opened the door to the guest bedroom at about 9 am the next morning, she saw JJ out cold next to her son who now started waking up slowly: </p><p>“Good morning Henry, did you sleep well?”, Emily whispered, trying not to wake JJ, who clearly had a lot of sleep to catch up on. <br/>Henry nodded sleepily in reply and mumbled: </p><p>“Good morning aunt Emmy.” He slowly sat up and eyed the sleeping form of his mother. He might have only been two and a half years old but he still recognised that something was out of the ordinary. Not only were they not at home but his mother usually got up before he did and she looked tired and the bruises on her face had turned a nasty shade of purple. </p><p>“Hey, why don’t we get up and start making breakfast? What’s your favourite?”, Emily asked, trying to distract him from the obvious and went to pick him up. Once in the kitchen, Henry had decided that they were going to make pancakes because they were his mom’s favourite. <br/>While they were making the batter, Emily tried to keep Henry entertained, but the little boy remained pretty quiet. Emily was scared that he might ask question that she either didn’t have the answers to or that she didn’t feel at liberty to say. </p><p>“Why is mommy still asleep?”, a quiet, innocent voice pierced through her thoughts. </p><p>“You know, your mom was really tired.”, she tried to dodge the question. It was on JJ to decide what to tell Henry and when: she didn’t want to intrude into their family business. A little later the pancakes were done and both of them started eating- Henry’s cut up pieces had to be drowned in syrup first though. Emily wrecked her brain about something to say to fill the silence but then she suddenly heard a loud scream coming from the guest bedroom. Henry looked at Emily with a scared expression so she said:</p><p>“Mommy is just having a bad dream, why don’t you eat up while I look after her.”, and rushed out of her kitchen towards JJ. Her friend was sitting on the bed, a terrified look on her face:</p><p> “Where is Henry?”, she kept asking frantically. She didn’t seem to be aware of Emily’s presence. <br/>“Hey JJ, it’s okay.”, Emily said, slowly approaching her panicking best friend who startled but looked up. <br/>“Where is he?”</p><p>“He’s fine, you’re both safe. He’s in my kitchen eating pancakes.”, JJ started to recognise her surroundings, slowly leaving the terrifying place her nightmare had lead her to. Seeing that Emily slowly sat down next to her, trying to stop her from hyperventilating. </p><p>“You’re safe, try to take slow, deep breaths.” <br/>When JJ made an effort to do so and with the adrenaline fading, she was suddenly aware of her recent injuries again. Hyperventilating was not exactly fun while having broken ribs. </p><p>Being pretty certain to be able to read her best friend’s body language correctly, Emily decided to carefully hug JJ without exasperating her injuries. <br/>JJ immediately relaxed into the embrace. After a minute or so, Emily proposed: </p><p>“Why don’t we join Henry in the kitchen. We made pancakes.”, but as they were about to get up they heard to little feet tapping into the room. Henry was carrying his plate full of pancake and syrup (but mostly syrup) and said:</p><p>“Mommy, do you want to share?” <br/>Both adults couldn’t help but smile at the blond, tiny syrup-covered face in front of them. </p><p>“I’d like that”, smiled JJ, “let’s head back to the kitchen before we make another mess in here.” <br/>Emily couldn’t help be extremely thankful and appreciative for Henry at this point. He had somehow managed to defuse the situation and to put a smile on JJ’s face. Watching JJ get up and following Henry, she saw her pained expression. With everything else that had been going on, Emily had completely forgotten to remember to pick up the description for her pain medication. </p><p>So after finishing breakfast the trio headed out to the pharmacy and to the supermarket, Emily’s fridge was in serious need of restocking. She had offered to JJ that she could make the run by herself but JJ hadn’t felt like being away from Emily. <br/>Her presence was somehow calming her, showing her that she was safe: she was like an anchor keeping her in the present rather than reliving the past or worrying about the future. Heading back home, Emily could see that JJ seemed very exhausted and in pain. Henry had nodded off in his car seat, after all it was about time for his afternoon nap after the late breakfast they’ve had.</p><p>Arriving at the apartment, JJ out of habit went to pick Henry, but let out a gasp of pain as the action heavily strained her injured ribs. </p><p>“Let me get him Jayje.”, Emily said quickly but she thought that JJ’s face showed frustration and annoyance. After Emily had carried up Henry and the groceries, she found JJ sitting in the kitchen, taking her pain medication, but she still looked angry. Emily approached her slowly: </p><p>“Hey JJ, are you doing okay?” </p><p>“Yeah, I’m doing amazing, never felt better.”, JJ snapped. </p><p>“I’m sorry”, Emily responded defensively, “that was a stupid question.” </p><p>“You think?”, JJ said, an annoyed tone in her voice, “You don’t know what I’m feeling. You have no idea.”, she stood up too quickly and winced but kept going and went into the guest bedroom where her son was currently sleeping. </p><p>“Then explain it to me, please talk to me”, Emily called out after her. </p><p>JJ had felt bad about snapping at Emily as soon as the words had left her mouth but it was like she couldn’t stop it. She felt as if a tsunami-wave of emotions and memories was threatening to drown her and lashing out and fuelling anger was the only way to keep it at bay. <br/>She knew that Emily was just trying to help her and that she didn’t deserve to be treated by her this way. This only added to her shame and flood of negative emotions, she felt like she was loosing her grip on every part of her life, rootlessness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>For this chapter:<br/>A/n: TW for discussion of suicidal thought and suicide. Please get help if you are struggling with this, you are not alone.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At first, Emily thought that she should let JJ be for now; she knew that JJ wasn’t angry with her but just extremely overwhelmed, she had been through too much. However, the rest of the weekend went by without either of them really speaking to each other; apart from the necessary small-talk when living in the same flat. Every single one of Emily’s attempts to get her to talk was shut down by JJ by either being overly polite and distant or lashing out. On Sunday night Hotch had called Emily to check in: </p><p>“How is she doing?”</p><p>“Ugh, I don’t know. We haven’t really spoken the entire weekend and when we do, she’s usually snapping at me and I’m getting really worried; that can’t be healthy.”, Emily rambled. </p><p>“Prentiss, take a breath. All she has ever done was handling things by herself. You can’t expect her to be open and talk about how she’s feeling. I can imagine that it’s really frustrating for you and that you just want to help her, but she needs some time now. She will come to you when she’s ready but all you can do is try to be there for her.”</p><p>“But what if that’s not enough?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I don’t know, it’s just a feeling, maybe I’m overreacting.” </p><p>“Look I’m not in your position, but you are going to be enough for her. You can take off as much time as you need and you can always rely on us, you’re not alone.” </p><p>The next day a Monday, Henry was going back to day-care; Emily had been able to convince she could stay in bed and rest while she would drop him off. Even though JJ tried to not show it, but it as obvious to Emily that she was still in a lot of physical pain. For some reason Emily had an odd feeling just as she was closing the door of her car and was heading back in her building. She stepped into the lift and pressed the button to her level. Emily suddenly had goosebumps on her entire body and she hurried to push the key into the door. Everything was silent and nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, but then taking a few steps towards the kitchen, she saw JJ standing at the kitchen counter with a large chopping knife in her right hand and starring at a large, bloody cut across her left palm. A couple of seconds passed in which Emily was just as paralyzed as JJ seemed, but then she slowly, carefully approached her, trying not to startle her:</p><p> “JJ...”, hands raised slightly, she was scared of moving too quickly. She didn’t know what to say, what she was dealing with or how to respond. JJ didn’t seem to have noticed her, so Emily tried a little louder than before:</p><p> “Hey, JJ...”. This made her jump slightly, she looked at Emily and then back down at both of her hands and at the blood that had dropped onto the chopping board in front of her. One half of an apple had soaked up drops of blood and was now tinted in scarlet red. JJ looked like a deer caught in headlights. </p><p>“Can you... can you put the knife down, Jayje?”, Emily tried to ask with a firm but reassuring voice but quivered at her best friend’s nickname. At first JJ seemed to remain frozen like a statue, then she slowly lowered her right hand and put the knife on the counter: </p><p>“I...I wasn’t...”, JJ tried to explain but she physically  couldn’t keep going. </p><p>“Can you let me take care of your hand?”, Emily asked carefully, trying to get JJ out of this freeze-state. Her head moved back and forth ever so slightly, but Emily took this as an invitation and as permission to step closer, put an arm around her best friend and lead her towards the bathroom. She guided her onto the closed toilet seat and grabbed the first aid-kit from the cabinet under the sink. Her hands shook slightly but she tried to compose herself, she had to be in control of this situation. Carefully cleaning the wound that went horizontally across JJ’s entire palm, she noticed with great relief that while it was bleeding quite a bit, that the cut wasn’t as deep as it had seemed at first and probably wouldn’t require stitches and a trip to the hospital. </p><p>JJ just stared at the black bathroom tiles as Emily applied gauze and wrapped a bandage around her hand and wrist to apply pressure and stop the bleeding. Emily’s thoughts were going in circles: What had happened? Was it accidental? Intentional? Why was she in this state? How long had she been standing there like this, bleeding? She was scared of pushing JJ even further away but she needed answers, not talking would be negligent especially if JJ needed acute emergency support. Looking at her friend, she almost looked like a frightened little child that was about to be reprimanded. Emily remembered Dr. Keppler talking about shame and guilt, so she said: “ Hey Jayje, I’m not mad, I’m just worried about you. Can you tell me what happened back there?”</p><p>“Um, I ...”, JJ started but then she suddenly jumped up, turned around and opened the toilet lid hastily. She bent down and started vomiting violently.<br/>Emily quickly dropped to her knees next to JJ, holding her hair and rubbing her back. </p><p>“It’s okay, breathe through your nose. I’ve got you.”, Emily spoke calmly. But when JJ’s stomach had ridden itself of any food, she continued to throw up bile and her breathing became even more laboured. Emily took JJ’s right hand and brought it to her left chest right above her heart, just as she had done back at the hospital. </p><p>“JJ, look at me sweetie, you’re having a panic attack, nothing can hurt you right now. Breathe in... and out. Good.” <br/>JJ’s previously glazed-over eyes became clearer and she looked up to Emily. </p><p>“Hey, there you are”, Emily smiled. </p><p>“I’m...I’m sorry.”, JJ mumbled, starting to tear up.</p><p>“It’s okay, why don’t we go to the living room, the bathroom floor can’t be comfortable.”<br/>JJ nodded. Emily helped her up and couldn’t miss the big wince and JJ protectively covering her injured ribs with her right arm. Swaying slightly, Emily steadied her and the pair began walking. When JJ was seated on the couch, Emily went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and the pain medication. She handed it to JJ, who gratefully took it and then curled into a ball with her knees pulled up. Emily chose to wait, seeing that JJ was trying to say something. After a minute of silence JJ started:</p><p> “I... I was trying to make breakfast, I wasn’t hungry but I needed the medication, so... so I wanted to cut the apple... I guess I was a little out of it and the knife slipped and then...”, tears had started to stream down her face. </p><p>“So it was an accident; what happened next?”, Emily asked reassuringly and took JJ’s uninjured hand. </p><p>“I... just froze. And then I had all those memories flooding back...”, she let out a strangled sob. </p><p>“What memories Jayje?”</p><p>“Of Rosaline, my... my sister when she was laying in the bathtub and her wrists... I couldn’t stop the blood...”, she started loudly sobbing now. Emily put her arm around her and engulfed her in a gentle hug. It’s okay, let it all out.”<br/>When she had calmed down, Emily decided that she would have to ask: </p><p>”JJ, I need to ask you something and please be honest, whatever your answer will be, we can deal with it, I’ll be here for you.” <br/>JJ nodded and looked down at her hands. </p><p>“I believe you that the cut was an accident, but I need to know if you have thoughts and or intentions of harming yourself, because when I saw you there, frozen, I thought for a second that you were not going to drop that knife.” <br/>JJ started fumbling with her hands and continued to stare at them. </p><p>“Jayje, please look at me.” <br/>She slowly lifted her head and began: </p><p>“I... I never... I had never seriously considered committing suicide, because I know what that does to the loved one’s... but back there was the first time that I could really understand Ros and it seemed so rational to just end it all, no more pain, no more problems...”<br/>Emily started tearing up at hearing these words, but knew that she had to keep it together for her best friend. </p><p>“And I know that I don’t want that for Henry or for y... for you but at that moment I .. didn’t care, I just felt apathy. I ... I just didn’t care for my life anymore.” </p><p>“And what about right now?”, Emily asked carefully. </p><p>“I... I’m scared, Emily. I don’t know, I don’t want to kill myself but I just... I can’t deal with all of this. I just want it all to stop.”<br/>Emily’s heart broke for her friend, she swallowed and then said:</p><p> “I can only imagine how hard this must be. I can totally understand why you’re feeling this way, I wish I could take it all off your shoulders, but I can’t. And i don’t think That i am enough to help you. I’ll stay by your side, but I think we should get some professional help. Now I need to know: Are you a danger to yourself or can you promise me that you are safe and that you can tell me if you can’t promise that anymore?”</p><p>“I think I’m safe for now, talking with you really helped me get out of it and I know that I need help...”</p><p>“Okay, so I would suggest that we go to your general practitioner today to get a referral and hear what they think. </p><p>“Yeah, okay. Thank you Em, I don’t know what I would do without you... and I’m so sorry for shutting you out and snapping at you.” </p><p>“It’s fine, JJ, I understand it, no need for apology. I’m here for you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/n: Thanks for reading. Do you have any ideas for how you want me to continue? I’m open to constructive criticism, but please be aware that the topic of suicide is something I’m dealing with, too.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emily had managed to get an appointment straight away. It took some convincing from JJ’s side to not be admitted to a psych ward, instead she was given some info material for emergency care and long term in-patient facilities as well as a list of phone numbers for out-patient programs. Emily noticed that JJ became more and more quiet the more information she was given. During the car ride back to Emily’s place she absently starred out the window. Emily knew that it had to be a lot. It was extremely overwhelming for Emily even though she was not the one that had to make these decisions. </p><p>The truth was that she was extremely scared for her friend. </p><p>While she had been grateful for JJ’s earlier admissions after having being shut out of for days, she just hoped that JJ accepted the professional help and that it would stabilise her and would actually make her feel better. Because right now, she felt like she was responsible for JJ’s safety but how do you safe someone from their own thoughts? She was a highly trained federal agent but no tactical training, no gun training or bulletproof vest could help JJ right now. </p><p>When they were back in the flat Emily decided that they needed lunch so she made sandwiches: </p><p>“Hey JJ, let’s have some lunch... JJ?”, she called. Her heart rate started picking up when her friend didn’t respond and was nowhere to be seen. She let out a  breath when she saw JJ sitting on the bed in the guest bedroom, the pamphlets in her lap, her gaze lowered as if starring at them would eventually tell her what to do, even though she was looking right through them. </p><p>“JJ... hey sweetie.”, Emily approached her slowly, kneeled down next to her and placed her hands on JJ’s knees. JJ’s head shot up and she looked at Emily: </p><p>“There you are, you were miles away. Do you want to tell me about that place?” JJ shrugged. “Well, that’s better than a no”, Emily thought to herself. </p><p>“Hey, you can tell me”,Emily coaxed, rubbing JJ’s knees reassuringly. </p><p>“I.. I just...”, sobs started wrecking her body, suppressing the emotions seemed impossible. </p><p>‘Hey, it’s okay”, Emily said while getting up, sitting on the bed as well and wrapping her arms around the form of her friend’s shaking body: “It’s okay, you can let it all out. I’ve got you. You are not alone.” Rubbing her back, she admitted:</p><p> “I’m scared, too, Jayje.” This only increased JJ’s sobs while Emily rhythmically rubbed circles on her back. “And I can’t promise that it’s all going to be uphill from here, well it’s actually not likely at all, it’s a paradox of probability... but what I can promise is that I’m gonna be right by your side every step of the way.” </p><p>After about 15 minutes, JJ started to calm down, pulled back from the embrace and looked up at the empathetic face of her friend: “You kind of sound like Spence, you’re a little nerd, yourself.”, JJ teased smiling a little. Emily stuck her tongue out and smiled back. </p><p>“Come on, let’s eat something.” </p><p>After lunch Emily lead JJ onto the couch in the living room. “Do you want to share what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” JJ blushed slightly at those words but hoped that Emily did it notice. </p><p>“Um, I guess”, JJ started, pulling her knees up to her body again. </p><p>“I think it just hit me, you know? What this means... I... I know from an outside perspective that I’ve experienced a lot of...”, JJ sighed, “a lot of trauma basically my entire life, but it’s really hard to admit that because... because all I’ve ever done is run from that and whenever it caught up with me I started running again. But I... but now i can’t run anymore. And that means that I have to turn around, go back and face it. And that’s so scary.”, she started tearing up again, “and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that.” There were a couple of seconds of silence, both of them trying to take in what JJ had just said. </p><p>“And that’s where I come in.”, Emily lifted her hand to JJ’s chin and tilted it up. Do you know the beach ball analogy?” JJ shook her head. </p><p>“Everything you just described with you running from your past is a common trauma response. It’s like a beach ball that you’re trying to push under the surface. It takes a lot of energy and whenever you’re just a little distracted or triggered by something, your hands slip and the ball pops up into the air, high above your head. That’s why you’re always in a state of super vigilance, because you have to be constantly prepared for being triggered, reliving trauma and trying to avoid that. <br/>And stopping to push it under the surface is terrifying because you’re actively letting it back into your conscience. But in return, the exhausting fight of pushing it under stops. And it can’t pop into the air anymore. And eventually, with a lot of time and work you can slowly let the air out of the ball, so that it becomes smaller and smaller until it’s deflated so much that it’s no longer controlling you. It will still be there, but it looses its relevance.” </p><p>“But I feel like I not only have one beach ball, but a dozen. And I feel like it’s way too overwhelming to let them all be above the surface. I don’t think that I can make it through that.”</p><p>“I can only imagine, but right now you’re at the bottom of a huge mountain, not even able to see the top, but you have to think in baby steps, day by day. And it will be hard, I won’t try to convince you otherwise, but you don’t have to let all the beach balls come to the surface at once. And if they do, remember that you’re not alone. You have me, you have the team, you have Henry and now you can get professional help. I’m gonna be honest with you Jayje. I’m not sure that it’s possible to do everything out-patient.” JJ’s gaze dropped.</p><p> “It’s not that i don’t believe in you, but when everything is too overwhelming at some point, it can be so relieving to know that you don’t have to do anything for a while, you’re just in a safe space and everything else is being taken care of. And you don’t have to decide anything today.” </p><p>“But what if I... if I need inpatient treatment, what about Henry?” </p><p>“JJ, I mean it. I’m here for you. And the team is here, as well. You don’t have to worry about him.” JJ just nodded. </p><p>“Speaking of Henry, it’s about time that he’s being picked up.  Do you want to come with me or do you need a break?” </p><p>“I’m pretty exhausted, do you mind picking him up?” “No, that’s fine. As long as you are safe her, by yourself. “Yeah, I promise. I think I’m gonna go through the pamphlets.” </p><p>“Okay, see you later, and please take your pain medication, you need to stay on top of it.” Emily had a better feeling, leaving JJ alone in her flat this time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emily had managed to get an appointment straight away. It took some convincing from JJ’s side to not be admitted to a psych ward, instead she was given some info material for emergency care and long term in-patient facilities as well as a list of phone numbers for out-patient programs. Emily noticed that JJ became more and more quiet the more information she was given. During the car ride back to Emily’s place she absently starred out the window. Emily knew that it had to be a lot. It was extremely overwhelming for Emily even though she was not the one that had to make these decisions. <br/>The truth was that she was extremely scared for her friend. <br/>While she had been grateful for JJ’s earlier admissions after having being shut out of for days, she just hoped that JJ accepted the professional help and that it would stabilise her and would actually make her feel better. Because right now, she felt like she was responsible for JJ’s safety but how do you safe someone from their own thoughts? She was a highly trained federal agent but no tactical training, no gun training or bulletproof vest could help JJ right now. <br/>When they were back in the flat Emily decided that they needed lunch so she made sandwiches: “Hey JJ, let’s have some lunch... JJ?”, she called. Her heart rate started picking up when her friend didn’t respond and was nowhere to be seen. She let out a  breath when she saw JJ sitting on the bed in the guest bedroom, the pamphlets in her lap, her gaze lowered as if starring at them would eventually tell her what to do, even though she was looking right through them. <br/>“JJ... hey sweetie.”, Emily approached her slowly, kneeled down next to her and placed her hands on JJ’s knees. JJ’s head shot up and she looked at Emily: “There you are, you were miles away. Do you want to tell me about that place?” JJ shrugged. “Well, that’s better than a no”, Emily thought to herself. <br/>“Hey, you can tell me”,Emily coaxed, rubbing JJ’s knees reassuringly. <br/>“I.. I just...”, sobs started wrecking her body, suppressing the emotions seemed impossible. <br/>‘Hey, it’s okay”, Emily said while getting up, sitting on the bed as well and wrapping her arms around the form of her friend’s shaking body: “It’s okay, you can let it all out. I’ve got you. You are not alone.” Rubbing her back, she admitted: “I’m scared, too, Jayje.” This only increased JJ’s sobs while Emily rhythmically rubbed circles on her back. “And I can’t promise that it’s all going to be uphill from here, well it’s actually not likely at all, it’s a paradox of probability... but what I can promise is that I’m gonna be right by your side every step of the way.” <br/>After about 15 minutes, JJ started to calm down, pulled back from the embrace and looked up at the empathetic face of her friend: “You kind of sound like Spence, you’re a little nerd, yourself.”, JJ teased smiling a little. Emily stuck her tongue out and smiled back. <br/>“Come on, let’s eat something.” <br/>After lunch Emily lead JJ onto the couch in the living room. “Do you want to share what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” JJ blushed slightly at those words but hoped that Emily did it notice. <br/>“Um, I guess”, JJ started, pulling her knees up to her body again. <br/>“I think it just hit me, you know? What this means... I... I know from an outside perspective that I’ve experienced a lot of...”, JJ sighed, “a lot of trauma basically my entire life, but it’s really hard to admit that because... because all I’ve ever done is run from that and whenever it caught up with me I started running again. But I... but now i can’t run anymore. And that means that I have to turn around, go back and face it. And that’s so scary.”, she started tearing up again, “and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that.” There were a couple of seconds of silence, both of them trying to take in what JJ had just said. <br/>“And that’s where I come in.”, Emily lifted her hand to JJ’s chin and tilted it up. Do you know the beach ball analogy?” JJ shook her head. <br/>“Everything you just described with you running from your past is a common trauma response. It’s like a beach ball that you’re trying to push under the surface. It takes a lot of energy and whenever you’re just a little distracted or triggered by something, your hands slip and the ball pops up into the air, high above your head. That’s why you’re always in a state of super vigilance, because you have to be constantly prepared for being triggered, reliving trauma and trying to avoid that. <br/>And stopping to push it under the surface is terrifying because you’re actively letting it back into your conscience. But in return, the exhausting fight of pushing it under stops. And it can’t pop into the air anymore. And eventually, with a lot of time and work you can slowly let the air out of the ball, so that it becomes smaller and smaller until it’s deflated so much that it’s no longer controlling you. It will still be there, but it looses its relevance.” <br/>“But I feel like I not only have one beach ball, but a dozen. And I feel like it’s way too overwhelming to let them all be above the surface. I don’t think that I can make it through that.”<br/>“I can only imagine, but right now you’re at the bottom of a huge mountain, not even able to see the top, but you have to think in baby steps, day by day. And it will be hard, I won’t try to convince you otherwise, but you don’t have to let all the beach balls come to the surface at once. And if they do, remember that you’re not alone. You have me, you have the team, you have Henry and now you can get professional help. I’m gonna be honest with you Jayje. I’m not sure that it’s possible to do everything out-patient.” JJ’s gaze dropped. “It’s not that i don’t believe in you, but when everything is too overwhelming at some point, it can be so relieving to know that you don’t have to do anything for a while, you’re just in a safe space and everything else is being taken care of. And you don’t have to decide anything today.” <br/>“But what if I... if I need inpatient treatment, what about Henry?” <br/>“JJ, I mean it. I’m here for you. And the team is here, as well. You don’t have to worry about him.” JJ just nodded. <br/>“Speaking of Henry, it’s about time that he’s being picked up.  Do you want to come with me or do you need a break?” <br/>“I’m pretty exhausted, do you mind picking him up?” “No, that’s fine. As long as you are safe her, by yourself. “Yeah, I promise. I think I’m gonna go through the pamphlets.” “Okay, see you later, and please take your pain medication, you need to stay on top of it.” Emily had a better feeling, leaving JJ alone in her flat this time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/n: Please tell me what you think about this and I'm open for ideas.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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